The Difficult Child ~ the book that brought me to tears

I'm the kind of person that researches and reads and reads.  When we were having our first child, my mother mocked my arsenal of baby books.  I somehow thought that it was going to really prepare me for what lies ahead.  The only thing it really accomplished was an extensive expensive collection of baby books that were outdated by the time my second child came around.

You'd think that I would have learned from those early years, but I didn't.  Instead when we started to have "issues" with our daughter I went out seeking answers.  I should have started in the public library, but alas, I like to be able to keep books if I like them.   Is she a "highly spirited child"...absolutely.  1-2-3 Magic.  New Child by Friday.  I read and read and sucked up the information.

The truth was ~ we were consistent.  We had good routines in our house.  Bed time rituals and well rested children are cherished in this house.  These books didn't give me what I was looking for.  They didn't seem to touch on what was really going on in our house and what it was doing to me (ya ya ya I know that it isn't about me).

I asked the professional ~ what book would I best relate to?  She smiled and pointed to a book on her shelf, The Difficult Child by Stanley Turecki.  I promptly purchased and finally found the comfort I was looking for.

I cried as I read about other families facing these same obstacles.  Parents that absolutely thought the world of their children and were amazed by how immediately their child's temperament and mood could dominate not only a moment, but weeks at a time.  I was relieved to get additional confirmation that we had not created this little "monster".  This is her innate temperament and it is our job to figure out the best way to work with it and help her develop coping skills for it.

I'm still working my way through the book and assessing our situation with my husband, but things have gotten a bit more quiet and calm.  Finally ~ money well spent.  But if you know anyone looking for an extensive pregnancy, baby, parenting, discipline library ~ let me know.

Which Mom are you?

When my daughter was only a few months old, I somehow managed to escape on a Saturday morning for coffee with a fellow mother and friend.  I'm sure we were talking about the woes of balancing work and family and husbands that worked ridiculously long hours.  


I looked up as a BMW suv pulled into the parking lot and watched a woman step out of her vehicle.  She looked FABULOUS! Pressed capris, cute top, Chanel sunglasses, Coach bag and perfectly highlighted hair pulled back in the perfect low ponytail.  I personally have never been able to make a low ponytail look like a fashion statement of simple beauty.  


She opened the back door and the image of perfection multiplied.  Out walked 4 yr old boy in khaki shorts with a little polo shirt.  He was followed by a little sister in a picture perfect sundress.


I looked at my friend and joked "I always wanted to be that mom".


As if on cue, in rolls a mini-van.


The mom steps out of the car in time to see the back doors sliding open and sippy cups and garbage falling onto the ground. She is wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt she has probably owned for more than 10 years.  Her low ponytail does not emanate beauty and simplicity as much as it does ~ "forget taking care of me or we will never get out of this house".


She also is followed out by two small children.  Hers, however, are celebrating pajama day and do not like to have their hair brushed.


My friend and I both busted out laughing ~ "Instead, I'm that mom".


I still laugh when I think about the vision of the mom I thought I would be ~ which mom did you think you would be?

EAT MY WORDS

I come from a family of strong-willed (and some may say opinionated) women.  Before we had kids my husband and I had an arsenal of phrases like:

• I will never let my kids ride in those RIDICULOUSLY large shopping carts that bump into everything and everyone.
• I will never let my child walk out of the house looking like that.  I will not let them decide what they are wearing when they are 3!
• I will never spank my child.
• I will not take my children to restaurants - restaurants are not for children.
• I won't let my children rule my life ~ we'll still have a social life beyond kids
• I'm not going to let myself go just because I have kids.

Oh oh oh how I have head to eat those words.  The bigger the shopping cart, the happier they are.  Don't forget to pick up the free balloons that they can bat at each other, you and innocent passers.  

And for clothes....who cares if they look like a fool if it avoids a fight in the morning.  If I can't manage to get myself dressed 98% of the time, it should be no surprise that my 4 yr old is wearing stripped stained pants with a top that doesn't match and hair falling in her eyes.  

Not to mention we have had to leave a restaurant or two because it seemed like they could handle the 45 minute outing.  We now know that restaurants with common outdoor patios, particularly with fountains, are perfect choices.  

Social life?  What is that?  Is that when Friday nights were something to look forward to for entirely different reasons?   Now I just want to go to bed by nine.  Having friends over for dinner has moved beyond a select menu inspired by Williams-Sonoma's best cookbooks for whatever we can manage to pull together with two toddlers pulling on our legs the entire time we cook.  I've given up on setting the table, linen napkins, a custom ipod playlist for the evening and coffee after dinner.  I left my hostess responsibilities in my 20's.

As for letting myself go...wait for tomorrow's blog.

All I can say is that I have a stomach ache from all of the words I have had to eat since I became a mother but I wouldn't change a minute of it.  I'm sorry for the moms I may have offended along the way in my total naivety, but I'm sure many have been through the same all you can eat buffet.