I'm the kind of person that researches and reads and reads. When we were having our first child, my mother mocked my arsenal of baby books. I somehow thought that it was going to really prepare me for what lies ahead. The only thing it really accomplished was an extensive expensive collection of baby books that were outdated by the time my second child came around.
You'd think that I would have learned from those early years, but I didn't. Instead when we started to have "issues" with our daughter I went out seeking answers. I should have started in the public library, but alas, I like to be able to keep books if I like them. Is she a "highly spirited child"...absolutely. 1-2-3 Magic. New Child by Friday. I read and read and sucked up the information.
The truth was ~ we were consistent. We had good routines in our house. Bed time rituals and well rested children are cherished in this house. These books didn't give me what I was looking for. They didn't seem to touch on what was really going on in our house and what it was doing to me (ya ya ya I know that it isn't about me).
I asked the professional ~ what book would I best relate to? She smiled and pointed to a book on her shelf, The Difficult Child by Stanley Turecki. I promptly purchased and finally found the comfort I was looking for.
I cried as I read about other families facing these same obstacles. Parents that absolutely thought the world of their children and were amazed by how immediately their child's temperament and mood could dominate not only a moment, but weeks at a time. I was relieved to get additional confirmation that we had not created this little "monster". This is her innate temperament and it is our job to figure out the best way to work with it and help her develop coping skills for it.
I'm still working my way through the book and assessing our situation with my husband, but things have gotten a bit more quiet and calm. Finally ~ money well spent. But if you know anyone looking for an extensive pregnancy, baby, parenting, discipline library ~ let me know.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Which Mom are you?
When my daughter was only a few months old, I somehow managed to escape on a Saturday morning for coffee with a fellow mother and friend. I'm sure we were talking about the woes of balancing work and family and husbands that worked ridiculously long hours.
I looked up as a BMW suv pulled into the parking lot and watched a woman step out of her vehicle. She looked FABULOUS! Pressed capris, cute top, Chanel sunglasses, Coach bag and perfectly highlighted hair pulled back in the perfect low ponytail. I personally have never been able to make a low ponytail look like a fashion statement of simple beauty.
She opened the back door and the image of perfection multiplied. Out walked 4 yr old boy in khaki shorts with a little polo shirt. He was followed by a little sister in a picture perfect sundress.
I looked at my friend and joked "I always wanted to be that mom".
As if on cue, in rolls a mini-van.
The mom steps out of the car in time to see the back doors sliding open and sippy cups and garbage falling onto the ground. She is wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt she has probably owned for more than 10 years. Her low ponytail does not emanate beauty and simplicity as much as it does ~ "forget taking care of me or we will never get out of this house".
She also is followed out by two small children. Hers, however, are celebrating pajama day and do not like to have their hair brushed.
My friend and I both busted out laughing ~ "Instead, I'm that mom".
I still laugh when I think about the vision of the mom I thought I would be ~ which mom did you think you would be?
I looked up as a BMW suv pulled into the parking lot and watched a woman step out of her vehicle. She looked FABULOUS! Pressed capris, cute top, Chanel sunglasses, Coach bag and perfectly highlighted hair pulled back in the perfect low ponytail. I personally have never been able to make a low ponytail look like a fashion statement of simple beauty.
She opened the back door and the image of perfection multiplied. Out walked 4 yr old boy in khaki shorts with a little polo shirt. He was followed by a little sister in a picture perfect sundress.
I looked at my friend and joked "I always wanted to be that mom".
As if on cue, in rolls a mini-van.
The mom steps out of the car in time to see the back doors sliding open and sippy cups and garbage falling onto the ground. She is wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt she has probably owned for more than 10 years. Her low ponytail does not emanate beauty and simplicity as much as it does ~ "forget taking care of me or we will never get out of this house".
She also is followed out by two small children. Hers, however, are celebrating pajama day and do not like to have their hair brushed.
My friend and I both busted out laughing ~ "Instead, I'm that mom".
I still laugh when I think about the vision of the mom I thought I would be ~ which mom did you think you would be?
Monday, May 3, 2010
EAT MY WORDS
I come from a family of strong-willed (and some may say opinionated) women. Before we had kids my husband and I had an arsenal of phrases like:
- I will never let my kids ride in those RIDICULOUSLY large shopping carts that bump into everything and everyone.
- I will never let my child walk out of the house looking like that. I will not let them decide what they are wearing when they are 3!
- I will never spank my child.
- I will not take my children to restaurants - restaurants are not for children.
- I won't let my children rule my life ~ we'll still have a social life beyond kids
- I'm not going to let myself go just because I have kids.
Oh oh oh how I have head to eat those words. The bigger the shopping cart, the happier they are. Don't forget to pick up the free balloons that they can bat at each other, you and innocent passers.
And for clothes....who cares if they look like a fool if it avoids a fight in the morning. If I can't manage to get myself dressed 98% of the time, it should be no surprise that my 4 yr old is wearing stripped stained pants with a top that doesn't match and hair falling in her eyes.
Not to mention we have had to leave a restaurant or two because it seemed like they could handle the 45 minute outing. We now know that restaurants with common outdoor patios, particularly with fountains, are perfect choices.
Social life? What is that? Is that when Friday nights were something to look forward to for entirely different reasons? Now I just want to go to bed by nine. Having friends over for dinner has moved beyond a select menu inspired by Williams-Sonoma's best cookbooks for whatever we can manage to pull together with two toddlers pulling on our legs the entire time we cook. I've given up on setting the table, linen napkins, a custom ipod playlist for the evening and coffee after dinner. I left my hostess responsibilities in my 20's.
As for letting myself go...wait for tomorrow's blog.
All I can say is that I have a stomach ache from all of the words I have had to eat since I became a mother but I wouldn't change a minute of it. I'm sorry for the moms I may have offended along the way in my total naivety, but I'm sure many have been through the same all you can eat buffet.
Friday, April 30, 2010
We really shouldn't write this stuff down
Everyone knows "kids say the darndest things". My sister has been bugging me since my oldest could talk to get a notebook and keep track. I've occasionally written a quote or two in her baby book, but I am about as good at that as I am journaling.
When perusing my favorite paper store, I stumbled upon "My Quotable Kid". It was perfect ~ a small journal size book to record the off the wall things your kids say and I could keep it handy in my kitchen junk drawer.
Some how this family keepsake started to take on a direction that I didn't have in mind.
The first thing my husband wrote in the book was our 2 yr olds favorite made up song:
"Naked bum bum booty Naked bum bum booty".
Followed by me recording a conversation between my daughter and son.
C: I have a peanut
Lulu: No you don't. You have a PENIS and I have a BEHINNA
Followed by Lulu pronouncing to everyone that our last name is "dick - skin" ~ which it is not.
The last entry is a quote from my now 3 yr old son ~ "Mommy, I want to eat a lot of food so I can have a big chest like you".
There are sooooo many things wrong with all of these statements ~ perhaps even more wrong with the two parents who couldn't resist memorializing these moments.
My kids are going to have to be 18 before I allow them to read the things that they were saying in their toddler years.
When perusing my favorite paper store, I stumbled upon "My Quotable Kid". It was perfect ~ a small journal size book to record the off the wall things your kids say and I could keep it handy in my kitchen junk drawer.
Some how this family keepsake started to take on a direction that I didn't have in mind.
The first thing my husband wrote in the book was our 2 yr olds favorite made up song:
"Naked bum bum booty Naked bum bum booty".
Followed by me recording a conversation between my daughter and son.
C: I have a peanut
Lulu: No you don't. You have a PENIS and I have a BEHINNA
Followed by Lulu pronouncing to everyone that our last name is "dick - skin" ~ which it is not.
The last entry is a quote from my now 3 yr old son ~ "Mommy, I want to eat a lot of food so I can have a big chest like you".
There are sooooo many things wrong with all of these statements ~ perhaps even more wrong with the two parents who couldn't resist memorializing these moments.
My kids are going to have to be 18 before I allow them to read the things that they were saying in their toddler years.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
And the punchline is....
When little LuLu started her 3's Class at preschool she was a bit apprehensive. She only knew one other child in the class from the year before so I wasn't surprised when she mentioned her everyday after school. She'd tell me about playing with Ava, eating lunch with Ava, reading books with Ava and I was thrilled she had made such a close little buddy.
Like many working moms, I have to admit I wasn't completely involved in the classroom. I only had 4 hours 3 days a week to get A LOT accomplished.
When February rolled around, it was my turn to volunteer for the class party and I noticed that Ava's name wasn't on the list. Odd....
So I asked Ms. MaryBeth about and little LuLu was standing by my side.
Ms. MaryBeth looked at me with total confusion ~ "Ava hasn't been in the class since the first week of school. She got moved to the 4's room". Stunned, I turned and looked at my daughter and she was grinning ear to ear.
At the ripe old age of three she had held onto her own little private joke day in and day out for 6 months. I had been had and felt HORRIBLE for not having a clue what was going on with her at school.
Needlesss to say, upon the first day of summer camp she announced that she spent the whole day with Ava (who wasn't enrolled in her camp) and she cracked up laughing.
Flash forward to now and she is at a baseball game with a neighbor. When her school was brought up, another mother asked if she had a little girl named Ava in her class and LuLu was adamant that she did not and she did not know her.
When I clarified that she did in fact know Ava she smiled that same ear to ear grin and said "They asked if I knew an Ava in my class, and Ava is NOT in my class".
Great ~ she has the ability to lie and deceive already. The teen years ought to be fun.
Like many working moms, I have to admit I wasn't completely involved in the classroom. I only had 4 hours 3 days a week to get A LOT accomplished.
When February rolled around, it was my turn to volunteer for the class party and I noticed that Ava's name wasn't on the list. Odd....
So I asked Ms. MaryBeth about and little LuLu was standing by my side.
Ms. MaryBeth looked at me with total confusion ~ "Ava hasn't been in the class since the first week of school. She got moved to the 4's room". Stunned, I turned and looked at my daughter and she was grinning ear to ear.
At the ripe old age of three she had held onto her own little private joke day in and day out for 6 months. I had been had and felt HORRIBLE for not having a clue what was going on with her at school.
Needlesss to say, upon the first day of summer camp she announced that she spent the whole day with Ava (who wasn't enrolled in her camp) and she cracked up laughing.
Flash forward to now and she is at a baseball game with a neighbor. When her school was brought up, another mother asked if she had a little girl named Ava in her class and LuLu was adamant that she did not and she did not know her.
When I clarified that she did in fact know Ava she smiled that same ear to ear grin and said "They asked if I knew an Ava in my class, and Ava is NOT in my class".
Great ~ she has the ability to lie and deceive already. The teen years ought to be fun.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Shower and then Face the Consequences
As the mother of a "difficult" or "highly spirited" child, the thought of showering is daunting most days. It looks more like a multiple choice test:
Do I
a) wash hair and rinse off the dirt as quickly as possible
b) do (a) plus add in shaving under arms
c) skip washing hair and opt for shaving legs instead
d) try to accomplish all of the appropriate bathing rituals and pray the entire time that my house isn't on fire.
If I opt for (d), that means that I will skip blow drying hair and putting on make-up.
If you've read previous posts you know that my nearly 5 yr old daughter could probably break out of Alcatraz. At one point I wondered what the division of social services would think of me putting her in our large breed dog crate just so I could get a shower.
Sure I could get up at 5 am to shower before she wakes up or I could do it at 10 pm after everyone is in bed, the kitchen is cleaned up and the laundry is put away. For some reason, I opt to try to beat her at the game.
My jewelry box is on the top shelf of my closet, I accept that all my nightstand table reads will be thoroughly flipped through and on the floor. My freshly made bed will have been used as a trampoline with a pillow fort on the ground. She will have helped herself to a snack that she climbed the tallest mountain to get and used some sharp object I swear I child-proofed to open it. She will have poured herself a 32 oz bottle of milk in one of the huge bottles I take to work out. She once climbed up onto a flipped over laundry basket, got keys to unlock my car so that she could get the garage door open and was outside riding her bike.
At this point I feel like I should give a million disclaimers about mine and my husband's level of education, professions and upbringing. All of that is irrelevant when you are dealing with a difficult child. After 5 years, she constantly keeps us on our toes and reminds us that even taking a shower is risky. Child proofing can truly only mean keeping an eye on her 24 hours a day.
On days like today when my husband lets me sleep in a little extra, brings me my coffee and tells me to take my time and enjoy my shower, I fall in love with him all over again.
Cheers to washed and blow-dried hair, make up and even a little attention to the eyebrows.
Do I
a) wash hair and rinse off the dirt as quickly as possible
b) do (a) plus add in shaving under arms
c) skip washing hair and opt for shaving legs instead
d) try to accomplish all of the appropriate bathing rituals and pray the entire time that my house isn't on fire.
If I opt for (d), that means that I will skip blow drying hair and putting on make-up.
If you've read previous posts you know that my nearly 5 yr old daughter could probably break out of Alcatraz. At one point I wondered what the division of social services would think of me putting her in our large breed dog crate just so I could get a shower.
Sure I could get up at 5 am to shower before she wakes up or I could do it at 10 pm after everyone is in bed, the kitchen is cleaned up and the laundry is put away. For some reason, I opt to try to beat her at the game.
My jewelry box is on the top shelf of my closet, I accept that all my nightstand table reads will be thoroughly flipped through and on the floor. My freshly made bed will have been used as a trampoline with a pillow fort on the ground. She will have helped herself to a snack that she climbed the tallest mountain to get and used some sharp object I swear I child-proofed to open it. She will have poured herself a 32 oz bottle of milk in one of the huge bottles I take to work out. She once climbed up onto a flipped over laundry basket, got keys to unlock my car so that she could get the garage door open and was outside riding her bike.
At this point I feel like I should give a million disclaimers about mine and my husband's level of education, professions and upbringing. All of that is irrelevant when you are dealing with a difficult child. After 5 years, she constantly keeps us on our toes and reminds us that even taking a shower is risky. Child proofing can truly only mean keeping an eye on her 24 hours a day.
On days like today when my husband lets me sleep in a little extra, brings me my coffee and tells me to take my time and enjoy my shower, I fall in love with him all over again.
Cheers to washed and blow-dried hair, make up and even a little attention to the eyebrows.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Visions of Parenthood vs. the Reality of Parenthood
There are these moments when I imagined what it will be like when my kids get a little older and we can we share experiences together. Trips to the zoo, the library, the park....bedtime stories, family walks ~ in my head it all seems so blissful.
I've seen other families on these excursions and no one is screaming or yelling ~ not the parents or the kids. They are all having a fabulous time. Their kids are the same age as my kids. They go on regular trips to all of these fabulous kid friendly places and I am empowered. Certainly we can do this. We are ready. And it is a good thing we go into these things with no expectations WHAT SO EVER.
My kids are at the perfect age for these little toddler excursions or moments. They are 3 and 5.
We go equipped with snacks and water for our walk on the nature trail and it inevitably ends with someone dumping their snack, the other no willing to share, resulting tears and a trip cut short.
We take them to the book store prepared to spend a morning reading stories and playing at the train table and they are more interested Starbucks snacks or riding the "excavator" (escalator). More tears ensue and another trip is cut short.
We snuggle in at bed and they beg for story time together as a family instead of one at a time. After 10 minutes of negotiating who is sitting where, who is pulling covers, who isn't comfortable and why so 'n so's story is going first, story time ends with no story at all or individual story times that still aren't good enough.
My husband and I have learned to not take it personally. We are not failing at this. They are simply kids and to them sometimes spilt milk is the end of the world. We work on trying to get them to adjust better in these situations, but I'm not so sure they are there yet.
So no matter how much prep work we have done, no matter if we are using treasured vacation time for the journey, no matter how many situations we have accounted for ~ we are prepared to calmly call it quits and we finally quit having our own temper tantrums at failed special family outings. It doesn't matter if a trip to the library was the best trip ever last Saturday ~ this Saturday it could resemble something closer to torture or hell.
Our visions of parenthood are not always a reality and we have learned to lower our expectations.
I've seen other families on these excursions and no one is screaming or yelling ~ not the parents or the kids. They are all having a fabulous time. Their kids are the same age as my kids. They go on regular trips to all of these fabulous kid friendly places and I am empowered. Certainly we can do this. We are ready. And it is a good thing we go into these things with no expectations WHAT SO EVER.
My kids are at the perfect age for these little toddler excursions or moments. They are 3 and 5.
We go equipped with snacks and water for our walk on the nature trail and it inevitably ends with someone dumping their snack, the other no willing to share, resulting tears and a trip cut short.
We take them to the book store prepared to spend a morning reading stories and playing at the train table and they are more interested Starbucks snacks or riding the "excavator" (escalator). More tears ensue and another trip is cut short.
We snuggle in at bed and they beg for story time together as a family instead of one at a time. After 10 minutes of negotiating who is sitting where, who is pulling covers, who isn't comfortable and why so 'n so's story is going first, story time ends with no story at all or individual story times that still aren't good enough.
My husband and I have learned to not take it personally. We are not failing at this. They are simply kids and to them sometimes spilt milk is the end of the world. We work on trying to get them to adjust better in these situations, but I'm not so sure they are there yet.
So no matter how much prep work we have done, no matter if we are using treasured vacation time for the journey, no matter how many situations we have accounted for ~ we are prepared to calmly call it quits and we finally quit having our own temper tantrums at failed special family outings. It doesn't matter if a trip to the library was the best trip ever last Saturday ~ this Saturday it could resemble something closer to torture or hell.
Our visions of parenthood are not always a reality and we have learned to lower our expectations.
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