Not reacting is NOT in my nature

Our current focus on parenting is not responding.  Apparently when we respond to basic commentary from little Lulu or tell her she isn't using a very nice tone we push a button that releases an atomic bomb in our house.

She yells back at us with the fury and vengeance I imagine I had accumulated by age seventeen.  She is enraged.  We are supposed to let it roll of our backs....even when that means she yells "You are stupid" at me repeatedly.  That nearly kills me.  Counting to 10 is hard.  The parents looking at me in Trader Joes is hard.  They don't know that I have tried being stern, maintaining control, I have tried coddling parenting methods...I admit I've tried smacking her hand, time out, I've carried her out of stores kicking and screaming leaving a full cart behind.  They don't know that I have been advised by a professional to just let it go.  Three aisles over in the store my daughter has realized she hasn't gotten a response.  The next thing out of her mouth is "Mommy, can I be your helper and put things in the cart please?"

WHAT?  Who is this child?  Where are all the staring eyes that heard her call me stupid and were calling their friends to talk about the mom with No Control over her 4 yr old!  She becomes my perfect angel ~ my sweet helper and am I so proud of.....me.  I didn't match her temper tantrum and anger and that is a big step for me.  It is hard not to do when you are so exhausted by these constant battles.

This morning she announced she was sitting on the table to put shoes on.  I told her that the table wasn't a good place to sit and recommended a chair instead.  She yelled back "You know absolutely nothing" (my 17 year old self has appeared again).  I smile and she yells "It is not funny mommy".  I walk out of the room and another atomic bomb is avoided.  She puts on her shoes and runs outside to play.

As a mother, we all learn to pass a little less judgement when we see stuff happening between another mother and child....we all know that it was a series of trying events that probably got them to a point where they could just stare off into space as their child yells "Did you hear me?  I said you were stupid".

Nothing is "easy"

Our daughter (let's call her Lulu) is going to be a star litigator...she's four and I'd put all of my money on it.  This "strength" is not the easiest one to work with as a parent.   It's one my husband and I flippantly say "it will serve her well in the future" when all we want to do is match her temper tantrums with our own.

Yesterday she was invited to a playdate at my sister's.  This is nothing new.  No strangers.  No odd children to make her withdraw.  The same house she has been going to for the past four years.  A place she begs to go.

And in comes my bewilderment.  When you live with a difficult child it seems nothing is fail-proof.

We pull into the driveway and she announces that she is not staying.  I say "ok, let's just go in, say hello and see what is going on".  She clings for a minute and older well-meaning sister suggests I run when she is not looking.  I know she would be fine, but she would not be ok with me.  I'd get a lecture.  I'm getting nervous.  My child is watching me.  I'm watching my child.  My sister is watching how the whole thing is going down and my insecurities creep in.  I remember what our counselor has said ~ "pick your battles".  Is this one of my battles?  Is the playdate that important?  I was planning on errands with my 2 yr old? Could I manage them both in the store.

I stall.
I help my sister pack for work travel.
I wait for Lulu to settle in.
She's fine and I tell her I'm going to run an errand and she is going to stay for her playdate.
I wait for the reaction ~ will it be screams, cries, clinging or is there a chance I can walk out of here?
She smiles and tells me she will see me in a little bit.

Phew ~ tantrum averted. (and I'm sure I'll have an opportunity to explain what her tantrums are like some time in the near future).

I smile.  She hugs me and she's off.

She reminds me that nothing is easy in my role as a mother but on the flip side even these simple little things can be a huge success for both of us.  We take our victories where we can get them.

This Isn't About Advice

THEN:

I'm the kind of person who researches and reads ~ I always have. My mom was a teacher and when I asked a question, more often than not she pointed me towards the dictionary or our set of encyclopedias (will our kids even know what those are???) and said "look it up". Looking back I realize she probably did it because I would get lost in the pages for hours.

IN THE MIDDLE:

When our daughter was 2 1/2 our pediatrician suggested a behavior specialist. We were thankful that someone confirmed our fears that we were not dealing with typical toddler issues and seriously embarrassed that two professionals that could manage people, multi-million dollar projects and considered themselves to be great with kids couldn't manage the terrible-twos?

We quickly learned it wasn't the terrible twos and we were in for some serious years ahead. Our dear sweet first child is considered "spirited" and "difficult". They weren't labels the therapist put on her ~ they were resource books she guided us to.

NOW:

Two years later, we are still struggling, bewildered, exhausted, frustrated. Where is the quick fix? Every once in a while I look around for blogs or support groups for other moms who understand this day to day struggle. There isn't much out there. I read and I read and I find comfort when I find people who hold a membership to this club.

I wanted to start this blog as a cathartic exercise for me to talk about what really goes on here. If it wasn't my life, the stories are actually pretty funny.

This isn't a place for advice on raising your spirited / difficult child ~ hopefully it will make you laugh and realize you aren't alone.