I'm the kind of person that researches and reads and reads. When we were having our first child, my mother mocked my arsenal of baby books. I somehow thought that it was going to really prepare me for what lies ahead. The only thing it really accomplished was an extensive expensive collection of baby books that were outdated by the time my second child came around.
You'd think that I would have learned from those early years, but I didn't. Instead when we started to have "issues" with our daughter I went out seeking answers. I should have started in the public library, but alas, I like to be able to keep books if I like them. Is she a "highly spirited child"...absolutely. 1-2-3 Magic. New Child by Friday. I read and read and sucked up the information.
The truth was ~ we were consistent. We had good routines in our house. Bed time rituals and well rested children are cherished in this house. These books didn't give me what I was looking for. They didn't seem to touch on what was really going on in our house and what it was doing to me (ya ya ya I know that it isn't about me).
I asked the professional ~ what book would I best relate to? She smiled and pointed to a book on her shelf, The Difficult Child by Stanley Turecki. I promptly purchased and finally found the comfort I was looking for.
I cried as I read about other families facing these same obstacles. Parents that absolutely thought the world of their children and were amazed by how immediately their child's temperament and mood could dominate not only a moment, but weeks at a time. I was relieved to get additional confirmation that we had not created this little "monster". This is her innate temperament and it is our job to figure out the best way to work with it and help her develop coping skills for it.
I'm still working my way through the book and assessing our situation with my husband, but things have gotten a bit more quiet and calm. Finally ~ money well spent. But if you know anyone looking for an extensive pregnancy, baby, parenting, discipline library ~ let me know.
Showing posts with label difficult child. Show all posts
Showing posts with label difficult child. Show all posts
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Which Mom are you?
When my daughter was only a few months old, I somehow managed to escape on a Saturday morning for coffee with a fellow mother and friend. I'm sure we were talking about the woes of balancing work and family and husbands that worked ridiculously long hours.
I looked up as a BMW suv pulled into the parking lot and watched a woman step out of her vehicle. She looked FABULOUS! Pressed capris, cute top, Chanel sunglasses, Coach bag and perfectly highlighted hair pulled back in the perfect low ponytail. I personally have never been able to make a low ponytail look like a fashion statement of simple beauty.
She opened the back door and the image of perfection multiplied. Out walked 4 yr old boy in khaki shorts with a little polo shirt. He was followed by a little sister in a picture perfect sundress.
I looked at my friend and joked "I always wanted to be that mom".
As if on cue, in rolls a mini-van.
The mom steps out of the car in time to see the back doors sliding open and sippy cups and garbage falling onto the ground. She is wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt she has probably owned for more than 10 years. Her low ponytail does not emanate beauty and simplicity as much as it does ~ "forget taking care of me or we will never get out of this house".
She also is followed out by two small children. Hers, however, are celebrating pajama day and do not like to have their hair brushed.
My friend and I both busted out laughing ~ "Instead, I'm that mom".
I still laugh when I think about the vision of the mom I thought I would be ~ which mom did you think you would be?
I looked up as a BMW suv pulled into the parking lot and watched a woman step out of her vehicle. She looked FABULOUS! Pressed capris, cute top, Chanel sunglasses, Coach bag and perfectly highlighted hair pulled back in the perfect low ponytail. I personally have never been able to make a low ponytail look like a fashion statement of simple beauty.
She opened the back door and the image of perfection multiplied. Out walked 4 yr old boy in khaki shorts with a little polo shirt. He was followed by a little sister in a picture perfect sundress.
I looked at my friend and joked "I always wanted to be that mom".
As if on cue, in rolls a mini-van.
The mom steps out of the car in time to see the back doors sliding open and sippy cups and garbage falling onto the ground. She is wearing yoga pants and a t-shirt she has probably owned for more than 10 years. Her low ponytail does not emanate beauty and simplicity as much as it does ~ "forget taking care of me or we will never get out of this house".
She also is followed out by two small children. Hers, however, are celebrating pajama day and do not like to have their hair brushed.
My friend and I both busted out laughing ~ "Instead, I'm that mom".
I still laugh when I think about the vision of the mom I thought I would be ~ which mom did you think you would be?
Thursday, April 29, 2010
And the punchline is....
When little LuLu started her 3's Class at preschool she was a bit apprehensive. She only knew one other child in the class from the year before so I wasn't surprised when she mentioned her everyday after school. She'd tell me about playing with Ava, eating lunch with Ava, reading books with Ava and I was thrilled she had made such a close little buddy.
Like many working moms, I have to admit I wasn't completely involved in the classroom. I only had 4 hours 3 days a week to get A LOT accomplished.
When February rolled around, it was my turn to volunteer for the class party and I noticed that Ava's name wasn't on the list. Odd....
So I asked Ms. MaryBeth about and little LuLu was standing by my side.
Ms. MaryBeth looked at me with total confusion ~ "Ava hasn't been in the class since the first week of school. She got moved to the 4's room". Stunned, I turned and looked at my daughter and she was grinning ear to ear.
At the ripe old age of three she had held onto her own little private joke day in and day out for 6 months. I had been had and felt HORRIBLE for not having a clue what was going on with her at school.
Needlesss to say, upon the first day of summer camp she announced that she spent the whole day with Ava (who wasn't enrolled in her camp) and she cracked up laughing.
Flash forward to now and she is at a baseball game with a neighbor. When her school was brought up, another mother asked if she had a little girl named Ava in her class and LuLu was adamant that she did not and she did not know her.
When I clarified that she did in fact know Ava she smiled that same ear to ear grin and said "They asked if I knew an Ava in my class, and Ava is NOT in my class".
Great ~ she has the ability to lie and deceive already. The teen years ought to be fun.
Like many working moms, I have to admit I wasn't completely involved in the classroom. I only had 4 hours 3 days a week to get A LOT accomplished.
When February rolled around, it was my turn to volunteer for the class party and I noticed that Ava's name wasn't on the list. Odd....
So I asked Ms. MaryBeth about and little LuLu was standing by my side.
Ms. MaryBeth looked at me with total confusion ~ "Ava hasn't been in the class since the first week of school. She got moved to the 4's room". Stunned, I turned and looked at my daughter and she was grinning ear to ear.
At the ripe old age of three she had held onto her own little private joke day in and day out for 6 months. I had been had and felt HORRIBLE for not having a clue what was going on with her at school.
Needlesss to say, upon the first day of summer camp she announced that she spent the whole day with Ava (who wasn't enrolled in her camp) and she cracked up laughing.
Flash forward to now and she is at a baseball game with a neighbor. When her school was brought up, another mother asked if she had a little girl named Ava in her class and LuLu was adamant that she did not and she did not know her.
When I clarified that she did in fact know Ava she smiled that same ear to ear grin and said "They asked if I knew an Ava in my class, and Ava is NOT in my class".
Great ~ she has the ability to lie and deceive already. The teen years ought to be fun.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Shower and then Face the Consequences
As the mother of a "difficult" or "highly spirited" child, the thought of showering is daunting most days. It looks more like a multiple choice test:
Do I
a) wash hair and rinse off the dirt as quickly as possible
b) do (a) plus add in shaving under arms
c) skip washing hair and opt for shaving legs instead
d) try to accomplish all of the appropriate bathing rituals and pray the entire time that my house isn't on fire.
If I opt for (d), that means that I will skip blow drying hair and putting on make-up.
If you've read previous posts you know that my nearly 5 yr old daughter could probably break out of Alcatraz. At one point I wondered what the division of social services would think of me putting her in our large breed dog crate just so I could get a shower.
Sure I could get up at 5 am to shower before she wakes up or I could do it at 10 pm after everyone is in bed, the kitchen is cleaned up and the laundry is put away. For some reason, I opt to try to beat her at the game.
My jewelry box is on the top shelf of my closet, I accept that all my nightstand table reads will be thoroughly flipped through and on the floor. My freshly made bed will have been used as a trampoline with a pillow fort on the ground. She will have helped herself to a snack that she climbed the tallest mountain to get and used some sharp object I swear I child-proofed to open it. She will have poured herself a 32 oz bottle of milk in one of the huge bottles I take to work out. She once climbed up onto a flipped over laundry basket, got keys to unlock my car so that she could get the garage door open and was outside riding her bike.
At this point I feel like I should give a million disclaimers about mine and my husband's level of education, professions and upbringing. All of that is irrelevant when you are dealing with a difficult child. After 5 years, she constantly keeps us on our toes and reminds us that even taking a shower is risky. Child proofing can truly only mean keeping an eye on her 24 hours a day.
On days like today when my husband lets me sleep in a little extra, brings me my coffee and tells me to take my time and enjoy my shower, I fall in love with him all over again.
Cheers to washed and blow-dried hair, make up and even a little attention to the eyebrows.
Do I
a) wash hair and rinse off the dirt as quickly as possible
b) do (a) plus add in shaving under arms
c) skip washing hair and opt for shaving legs instead
d) try to accomplish all of the appropriate bathing rituals and pray the entire time that my house isn't on fire.
If I opt for (d), that means that I will skip blow drying hair and putting on make-up.
If you've read previous posts you know that my nearly 5 yr old daughter could probably break out of Alcatraz. At one point I wondered what the division of social services would think of me putting her in our large breed dog crate just so I could get a shower.
Sure I could get up at 5 am to shower before she wakes up or I could do it at 10 pm after everyone is in bed, the kitchen is cleaned up and the laundry is put away. For some reason, I opt to try to beat her at the game.
My jewelry box is on the top shelf of my closet, I accept that all my nightstand table reads will be thoroughly flipped through and on the floor. My freshly made bed will have been used as a trampoline with a pillow fort on the ground. She will have helped herself to a snack that she climbed the tallest mountain to get and used some sharp object I swear I child-proofed to open it. She will have poured herself a 32 oz bottle of milk in one of the huge bottles I take to work out. She once climbed up onto a flipped over laundry basket, got keys to unlock my car so that she could get the garage door open and was outside riding her bike.
At this point I feel like I should give a million disclaimers about mine and my husband's level of education, professions and upbringing. All of that is irrelevant when you are dealing with a difficult child. After 5 years, she constantly keeps us on our toes and reminds us that even taking a shower is risky. Child proofing can truly only mean keeping an eye on her 24 hours a day.
On days like today when my husband lets me sleep in a little extra, brings me my coffee and tells me to take my time and enjoy my shower, I fall in love with him all over again.
Cheers to washed and blow-dried hair, make up and even a little attention to the eyebrows.
Monday, April 19, 2010
How's this for good parenting....
A few weeks back we had a "tune up" with Lulu's behavior specialist/child psychologist. We share stories...she writes notes and starts to give us suggestions.
Time out...time in her room...losing privileges...go on one side of things we've worked at.
On the other side, we've tried rewards and bribery...we prefer to refer to them as incentives.
We are consistent.
We are firm.
We are calm.
We are loving.
We are compassionate.
And then...I think it is fair to say when all of that fails we lose our sh*@!
The story that finally clicked with the therapist was the great "buckle in" debate.
Every time we are getting into the car I ask Lulu ~ "do you want me to buckle you or do you want to do it?" (giving her options)
Lulu: I'll do it.
So I proceed to get her little brother in and she changes her mind.
Lulu: No, you do it.
So I start to do it and she yells
Lulu: Not like that! I'll do it.
I resign myself to the fact that this is my life and I get in my seat. I buckle in and ask if everyone is ready to go.
If you have a difficult child, this next part won't shock you.
Lulu (at the top of her lungs): I am not buckled it! Come buckle me in now!
Of course this is the perfect time for the Walkers Brigade who all have grandchildren to walk past and I smile politely. I really shouldn't open the garage door until I have things under control.
I start to buckle her in calmly and she struggles and complains about how she wants the seat belt over her head. I tell her for the umpteenth time that it is not an option and that it isn't safe.
She yells again.
Lulu: Don't touch me, I'll buckle myself in.
At this point my calm is fading and we are late. I forcibly take the seatbelt out of her hands and buckle her in.
She promptly unbuckles herself and yells more nasty things at me about how I am not her friend and she doesn't like me.
I get into my seat and start to back out the driveway to fits and screams of her complaining that she isn't buckled in and now the seat belt is tangled and she can't buckle herself in.
Are you tired yet? This regular routine is freaking exhausting to me.
I stop the car, get out AGAIN and she lets me buckle her in properly as she continues to mutter all the reasons she doesn't like me.
She carries this grudge with her the rest of the day and it irritates me that she can't let it go. This has happened more times than I care to admit and I still haven't figured out how to break the cycle....though this is a case when bribery works best.
"Fastest one in their seat gets a piece of candy"...How's that for good parenting?
Time out...time in her room...losing privileges...go on one side of things we've worked at.
On the other side, we've tried rewards and bribery...we prefer to refer to them as incentives.
We are consistent.
We are firm.
We are calm.
We are loving.
We are compassionate.
And then...I think it is fair to say when all of that fails we lose our sh*@!
The story that finally clicked with the therapist was the great "buckle in" debate.
Every time we are getting into the car I ask Lulu ~ "do you want me to buckle you or do you want to do it?" (giving her options)
Lulu: I'll do it.
So I proceed to get her little brother in and she changes her mind.
Lulu: No, you do it.
So I start to do it and she yells
Lulu: Not like that! I'll do it.
I resign myself to the fact that this is my life and I get in my seat. I buckle in and ask if everyone is ready to go.
If you have a difficult child, this next part won't shock you.
Lulu (at the top of her lungs): I am not buckled it! Come buckle me in now!
Of course this is the perfect time for the Walkers Brigade who all have grandchildren to walk past and I smile politely. I really shouldn't open the garage door until I have things under control.
I start to buckle her in calmly and she struggles and complains about how she wants the seat belt over her head. I tell her for the umpteenth time that it is not an option and that it isn't safe.
She yells again.
Lulu: Don't touch me, I'll buckle myself in.
At this point my calm is fading and we are late. I forcibly take the seatbelt out of her hands and buckle her in.
She promptly unbuckles herself and yells more nasty things at me about how I am not her friend and she doesn't like me.
I get into my seat and start to back out the driveway to fits and screams of her complaining that she isn't buckled in and now the seat belt is tangled and she can't buckle herself in.
Are you tired yet? This regular routine is freaking exhausting to me.
I stop the car, get out AGAIN and she lets me buckle her in properly as she continues to mutter all the reasons she doesn't like me.
She carries this grudge with her the rest of the day and it irritates me that she can't let it go. This has happened more times than I care to admit and I still haven't figured out how to break the cycle....though this is a case when bribery works best.
"Fastest one in their seat gets a piece of candy"...How's that for good parenting?
Saturday, April 17, 2010
5:30 am and an independent 4 yr old are not a good combination
Here's another family favorite:
5:30 am and our bedroom door flies open.
An out of breath four year old appears.
Lulu: daddy sophie (our german shepherd) is outside.
Daddy: no she's not honey, it's early, she's downstairs.
Lulu: no daddy she is running down the street.
Daddy: honey, you must be having a bad dream, I'm sure she is downstairs.
Lulu: no! she's! not! I let her out the front door and she started to run away. I tried to chase her, but I couldn't catch her. Some old men were walking down the street, but don't worry I didn't talk to them.
Thanks for the "don't worry" Lulu...the fact that you were outside alone before sunrise is a perfectly normal and fine thing for you to do so long as you don't talk to strangers.....seriously? As a parent, where do you go with this one? Our daughter was telling the truth and not only had she left the house without us, she went topless. Certainly the neighbors had already called the Department of Social Services. Hadn't we locked the upper "child proof" lock and hidden the key?
Once again, she left us feeling like one of us should be awake at all times with eyes on her and there was no room for error in our house. One missed lock led to one wandering 4 year old and I'm sure plenty of neighborhood gossip (we have a regular crew of early morning walkers).
We crack up when we think about it (we know it is a horrible story that could have ended tragically), but no matter how hands on and on top of guessing her every move we are, we can never anticipate every move. We have to laugh about it ~ if not I would be paralyzed by fear.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Another Day....Another Lock
Last summer we had a neighborhood playdate at our house and for one reason or another my daughter was sent to her room for a "little break".
Within minutes my neighbor's older son came running in and said "Lulu is on the roof". I sprinted to her room and found her crawling back inside.
I have to admit, when we were strategically picking which child would go in which room, I was bothered by the fact that two of our kids room have roof access at low points. I know what I was like as a teenager...but I never imagined I would have to worry about my 3 yr old sneaking out. Seriously ~ this is ridiculous.
She confidently asserted that she was trying to talk to the kids outside and when they couldn't hear her she just went outside. Have I mentioned she has NO BOUNDARIES?
The windows were bolted shut and my decent into creating a mini-alcatraz was coming to fruition. Child labor laws aside, I should let her start a child proofing company ~ give her 2 minutes alone in your house and she will find the most dangerous or expensive thing to ruin.
Fast forward a year later...it's spring....it's North Carolina...it's hot.
Time for the screens to go in. We contemplated about removing the bolt. We figured she was older and a little more willing to listen and her room was sweltering.
It lasted 3 days...for three days I thought we had averted another roof experience. Sometimes I want to pretend I live in the kind of house where 4 year olds don't justify why it is ok for them to go on the roof...but I don't and the bolts are back in.
Within minutes my neighbor's older son came running in and said "Lulu is on the roof". I sprinted to her room and found her crawling back inside.
I have to admit, when we were strategically picking which child would go in which room, I was bothered by the fact that two of our kids room have roof access at low points. I know what I was like as a teenager...but I never imagined I would have to worry about my 3 yr old sneaking out. Seriously ~ this is ridiculous.
She confidently asserted that she was trying to talk to the kids outside and when they couldn't hear her she just went outside. Have I mentioned she has NO BOUNDARIES?
The windows were bolted shut and my decent into creating a mini-alcatraz was coming to fruition. Child labor laws aside, I should let her start a child proofing company ~ give her 2 minutes alone in your house and she will find the most dangerous or expensive thing to ruin.
Fast forward a year later...it's spring....it's North Carolina...it's hot.
Time for the screens to go in. We contemplated about removing the bolt. We figured she was older and a little more willing to listen and her room was sweltering.
It lasted 3 days...for three days I thought we had averted another roof experience. Sometimes I want to pretend I live in the kind of house where 4 year olds don't justify why it is ok for them to go on the roof...but I don't and the bolts are back in.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
I don't think this happens to everyone....
This is one of those stories that led us to believe we were not dealing with your average 2 1/2 year old.
It's 11:00 at night. The house is quiet...we are dozing....and I hear something downstairs. Mother's intuition and our 100 lb German Shepherd told me all was ok, but to go check it out.
As I was coming down the stairs I could tell every light in the downstairs was turned on and I could hear Blues Clues blaring from our TV...I looked into my office and saw no less than seven open permanent markers on the floor. This is not going to be good.
I headed to the family room and couldn't believe my sleepy eyes. My 2 1/2 year old was standing at the coffee table cleaning it off with all of the appropriate cleaning supplies, eating a BAG of mini-marshmellows, had colored her legs solid black and red and was watching Blues Clues (Noggin ~ what pre-schooler really needs to be watching TV at that hour?).
To get the cleaning supplies she had to move a chair to the laundry room and climb onto our front-loading washing machine to get to the upper cabinets. Thank goodness for a house full of non-toxic cleaners. The marshmallows were acquired by moving the same chair to another cabinet and crawling up the shelves to the top level....leaving red finger prints all the way.
I was horrified, shocked and at that moment I was not the LEAST bit amused. I yelled "Lulu what are you doing" and she announced "I'm cleaning and having a snack". "Lulu, you need to get back to your room and go to bed". Little miss no fear looked at me and said "Why don't you just go back to bed?"
She was furious with me for interrupting her. She wasn't afraid of the dark and clearly saw no boundaries. She had even negotiated two remote controls to get it to her show. In my head I couldn't help but fast-forward a few years. What are we about to face? Only time would tell.
Let's just say we have purchased a ton of locks over the past two years and have learned which ones she can pic :)
It's 11:00 at night. The house is quiet...we are dozing....and I hear something downstairs. Mother's intuition and our 100 lb German Shepherd told me all was ok, but to go check it out.
As I was coming down the stairs I could tell every light in the downstairs was turned on and I could hear Blues Clues blaring from our TV...I looked into my office and saw no less than seven open permanent markers on the floor. This is not going to be good.
I headed to the family room and couldn't believe my sleepy eyes. My 2 1/2 year old was standing at the coffee table cleaning it off with all of the appropriate cleaning supplies, eating a BAG of mini-marshmellows, had colored her legs solid black and red and was watching Blues Clues (Noggin ~ what pre-schooler really needs to be watching TV at that hour?).
To get the cleaning supplies she had to move a chair to the laundry room and climb onto our front-loading washing machine to get to the upper cabinets. Thank goodness for a house full of non-toxic cleaners. The marshmallows were acquired by moving the same chair to another cabinet and crawling up the shelves to the top level....leaving red finger prints all the way.
I was horrified, shocked and at that moment I was not the LEAST bit amused. I yelled "Lulu what are you doing" and she announced "I'm cleaning and having a snack". "Lulu, you need to get back to your room and go to bed". Little miss no fear looked at me and said "Why don't you just go back to bed?"
She was furious with me for interrupting her. She wasn't afraid of the dark and clearly saw no boundaries. She had even negotiated two remote controls to get it to her show. In my head I couldn't help but fast-forward a few years. What are we about to face? Only time would tell.
Let's just say we have purchased a ton of locks over the past two years and have learned which ones she can pic :)
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Good Morning to you too Sunshine
Hello Bewilderment ~ I know I shouldn't be surprised to see you again, but I am. I'm not ready for you in the morning. I'm 7 months pregnant and not sleeping well. I can't deal with atomic bomb level temper tantrums at 8 am. If you could please hold off until I at least drink a full cup of luke warm coffee ~ that would be great.
Going to school has NEVER been an issue in our house. Lulu will always go. She's excited to go. She LOVES school. Today she decided not so much. Shrill screams could probably be heard for miles. "I am not going to school...I don't like school....I won't go and you can't make me." I attempt to calm her a little (bad mistake...feeds the fire). So I ignore and when the time comes I drag her to the car for carpool. She clings to me for dear life gasping on her tears. I smile, tell her I love her and have a good day.
I wanted to scream ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I called my carpool buddy to check in a few minutes later to find out that the tears dried almost instantly and giggles ensued within minutes. She got out of the car with no issue and went about her happy way.
Thanks Bewilderment ~ this is something new and we may get to add this to our daily battle list.
Going to school has NEVER been an issue in our house. Lulu will always go. She's excited to go. She LOVES school. Today she decided not so much. Shrill screams could probably be heard for miles. "I am not going to school...I don't like school....I won't go and you can't make me." I attempt to calm her a little (bad mistake...feeds the fire). So I ignore and when the time comes I drag her to the car for carpool. She clings to me for dear life gasping on her tears. I smile, tell her I love her and have a good day.
I wanted to scream ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I called my carpool buddy to check in a few minutes later to find out that the tears dried almost instantly and giggles ensued within minutes. She got out of the car with no issue and went about her happy way.
Thanks Bewilderment ~ this is something new and we may get to add this to our daily battle list.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Not reacting is NOT in my nature
Our current focus on parenting is not responding. Apparently when we respond to basic commentary from little Lulu or tell her she isn't using a very nice tone we push a button that releases an atomic bomb in our house.
She yells back at us with the fury and vengeance I imagine I had accumulated by age seventeen. She is enraged. We are supposed to let it roll of our backs....even when that means she yells "You are stupid" at me repeatedly. That nearly kills me. Counting to 10 is hard. The parents looking at me in Trader Joes is hard. They don't know that I have tried being stern, maintaining control, I have tried coddling parenting methods...I admit I've tried smacking her hand, time out, I've carried her out of stores kicking and screaming leaving a full cart behind. They don't know that I have been advised by a professional to just let it go. Three aisles over in the store my daughter has realized she hasn't gotten a response. The next thing out of her mouth is "Mommy, can I be your helper and put things in the cart please?"
WHAT? Who is this child? Where are all the staring eyes that heard her call me stupid and were calling their friends to talk about the mom with No Control over her 4 yr old! She becomes my perfect angel ~ my sweet helper and am I so proud of.....me. I didn't match her temper tantrum and anger and that is a big step for me. It is hard not to do when you are so exhausted by these constant battles.
This morning she announced she was sitting on the table to put shoes on. I told her that the table wasn't a good place to sit and recommended a chair instead. She yelled back "You know absolutely nothing" (my 17 year old self has appeared again). I smile and she yells "It is not funny mommy". I walk out of the room and another atomic bomb is avoided. She puts on her shoes and runs outside to play.
As a mother, we all learn to pass a little less judgement when we see stuff happening between another mother and child....we all know that it was a series of trying events that probably got them to a point where they could just stare off into space as their child yells "Did you hear me? I said you were stupid".
She yells back at us with the fury and vengeance I imagine I had accumulated by age seventeen. She is enraged. We are supposed to let it roll of our backs....even when that means she yells "You are stupid" at me repeatedly. That nearly kills me. Counting to 10 is hard. The parents looking at me in Trader Joes is hard. They don't know that I have tried being stern, maintaining control, I have tried coddling parenting methods...I admit I've tried smacking her hand, time out, I've carried her out of stores kicking and screaming leaving a full cart behind. They don't know that I have been advised by a professional to just let it go. Three aisles over in the store my daughter has realized she hasn't gotten a response. The next thing out of her mouth is "Mommy, can I be your helper and put things in the cart please?"
WHAT? Who is this child? Where are all the staring eyes that heard her call me stupid and were calling their friends to talk about the mom with No Control over her 4 yr old! She becomes my perfect angel ~ my sweet helper and am I so proud of.....me. I didn't match her temper tantrum and anger and that is a big step for me. It is hard not to do when you are so exhausted by these constant battles.
This morning she announced she was sitting on the table to put shoes on. I told her that the table wasn't a good place to sit and recommended a chair instead. She yelled back "You know absolutely nothing" (my 17 year old self has appeared again). I smile and she yells "It is not funny mommy". I walk out of the room and another atomic bomb is avoided. She puts on her shoes and runs outside to play.
As a mother, we all learn to pass a little less judgement when we see stuff happening between another mother and child....we all know that it was a series of trying events that probably got them to a point where they could just stare off into space as their child yells "Did you hear me? I said you were stupid".
Monday, April 12, 2010
Nothing is "easy"
Our daughter (let's call her Lulu) is going to be a star litigator...she's four and I'd put all of my money on it. This "strength" is not the easiest one to work with as a parent. It's one my husband and I flippantly say "it will serve her well in the future" when all we want to do is match her temper tantrums with our own.
Yesterday she was invited to a playdate at my sister's. This is nothing new. No strangers. No odd children to make her withdraw. The same house she has been going to for the past four years. A place she begs to go.
And in comes my bewilderment. When you live with a difficult child it seems nothing is fail-proof.
We pull into the driveway and she announces that she is not staying. I say "ok, let's just go in, say hello and see what is going on". She clings for a minute and older well-meaning sister suggests I run when she is not looking. I know she would be fine, but she would not be ok with me. I'd get a lecture. I'm getting nervous. My child is watching me. I'm watching my child. My sister is watching how the whole thing is going down and my insecurities creep in. I remember what our counselor has said ~ "pick your battles". Is this one of my battles? Is the playdate that important? I was planning on errands with my 2 yr old? Could I manage them both in the store.
I stall.
I help my sister pack for work travel.
I wait for Lulu to settle in.
She's fine and I tell her I'm going to run an errand and she is going to stay for her playdate.
I wait for the reaction ~ will it be screams, cries, clinging or is there a chance I can walk out of here?
She smiles and tells me she will see me in a little bit.
Phew ~ tantrum averted. (and I'm sure I'll have an opportunity to explain what her tantrums are like some time in the near future).
I smile. She hugs me and she's off.
She reminds me that nothing is easy in my role as a mother but on the flip side even these simple little things can be a huge success for both of us. We take our victories where we can get them.
Yesterday she was invited to a playdate at my sister's. This is nothing new. No strangers. No odd children to make her withdraw. The same house she has been going to for the past four years. A place she begs to go.
And in comes my bewilderment. When you live with a difficult child it seems nothing is fail-proof.
We pull into the driveway and she announces that she is not staying. I say "ok, let's just go in, say hello and see what is going on". She clings for a minute and older well-meaning sister suggests I run when she is not looking. I know she would be fine, but she would not be ok with me. I'd get a lecture. I'm getting nervous. My child is watching me. I'm watching my child. My sister is watching how the whole thing is going down and my insecurities creep in. I remember what our counselor has said ~ "pick your battles". Is this one of my battles? Is the playdate that important? I was planning on errands with my 2 yr old? Could I manage them both in the store.
I stall.
I help my sister pack for work travel.
I wait for Lulu to settle in.
She's fine and I tell her I'm going to run an errand and she is going to stay for her playdate.
I wait for the reaction ~ will it be screams, cries, clinging or is there a chance I can walk out of here?
She smiles and tells me she will see me in a little bit.
Phew ~ tantrum averted. (and I'm sure I'll have an opportunity to explain what her tantrums are like some time in the near future).
I smile. She hugs me and she's off.
She reminds me that nothing is easy in my role as a mother but on the flip side even these simple little things can be a huge success for both of us. We take our victories where we can get them.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
This Isn't About Advice
THEN:
I'm the kind of person who researches and reads ~ I always have. My mom was a teacher and when I asked a question, more often than not she pointed me towards the dictionary or our set of encyclopedias (will our kids even know what those are???) and said "look it up". Looking back I realize she probably did it because I would get lost in the pages for hours.
IN THE MIDDLE:
When our daughter was 2 1/2 our pediatrician suggested a behavior specialist. We were thankful that someone confirmed our fears that we were not dealing with typical toddler issues and seriously embarrassed that two professionals that could manage people, multi-million dollar projects and considered themselves to be great with kids couldn't manage the terrible-twos?
We quickly learned it wasn't the terrible twos and we were in for some serious years ahead. Our dear sweet first child is considered "spirited" and "difficult". They weren't labels the therapist put on her ~ they were resource books she guided us to.
NOW:
Two years later, we are still struggling, bewildered, exhausted, frustrated. Where is the quick fix? Every once in a while I look around for blogs or support groups for other moms who understand this day to day struggle. There isn't much out there. I read and I read and I find comfort when I find people who hold a membership to this club.
I wanted to start this blog as a cathartic exercise for me to talk about what really goes on here. If it wasn't my life, the stories are actually pretty funny.
This isn't a place for advice on raising your spirited / difficult child ~ hopefully it will make you laugh and realize you aren't alone.
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